Bad for the teeth, Good for your soul

Wouldn't it be Nice?

2005-05-25T09:48:00.000+08:00

Life's just that much harder when the two best friends you know who will always be there for you, ever ready with a huge slab of chocolate and a wad of DVDs, aren't physically there for you anymore.

And what makes it so much worse it's that the people you were there for, the ones who were crying, who were depressed, and you dropped all to stay by their side, suddenly turn their back on you.

And all you can do is stare helplessly as they smile and walk away.

"Remember me? I was there... when you were sad, I was there... when you were alone, I was there, when you cried... I was there..."

"Remember? Remember me?"

Michelle... Judith... Come back soon, life sucks without you guys.

Running

2005-05-23T14:40:00.000+08:00

Running running, as fast as I can...
Do you think we'll make it?

Hold on, way too tight and just let it all go...
Watch it hit the ground
And shatter into a million pieces
Impact brings about a cloud of tiny little fragments
Like a spray of water droplets
Reflecting a thin membrane of a rainbow...

I can't fix it. Can you?

Drop it Like it's Hot

2005-05-21T10:02:00.000+08:00

I'm still a little afraid;
Just hold on to me.
And If I slip and let go,
If I break and fall behind,
Promise me:
You will never look back.

Why is there a stigma attached to anything I've ever wanted to be:
Just plain simple happy.

It's times like these when your true friends emulsify.

Should I question my actions? Obviously you guys think I've done something wrong.

Before anyone knew anything the world seemed so simple; there was laughter, there was sunshine and most of all there was no pretence.

Now even the sun sulks behind a thin veil of cloud.

I feel hated. I feel hurt. But I forget that at this stage of my life I am not supposed to feel anything.

It's okay.

I'm okay with you guys just walking off soundlessly as soon as he appears.
I'm okay with you just pointing me nonchalantly in his direction whenever I greet or wave at you.
I'm okay with you leaving me all alone after school because you assume that he is just a phone call away from me.

In other words, I have probably developed to the point where I am now completely...
...disposable.

Kenneth was one of the few who stood beside me all the way, and that's why there was no way I could leave him alone...

I feel lost and distraught. I'm trying to grab hold of everything but it's just slipping through the cracks of my fingers, streaming down my knuckles and my wrists...

"How does it feel? To be...different from me... Are we the same?"

Trash Talking

2005-05-19T00:25:00.000+08:00

Remember back when you were in secondary school and you dreamed of the JC life, swaggering around in an A-line mini skirt, with multi-colured sneakers and a large leather tote hanging over your right arm. Hair swept back with mulitple sparkly scrunchees and burettes with bangs dangling above your eyes. Crammed full of superior knowledge with a care in the world.

Well I can just take that beautiful image, chew on it, spit it down and flush it down the toliet bowl continuously till it dissolves in the wet.

I came to school today innocent and with my ankle in a cast, completely unaware of the impending doom that would befall me. Little did I know that I was swept off my feet and forced into a stiff starched tie done up all the way to my throat, two pigtails and a random pair of black emo glasses.

Welcome to Wednesday, A2's NERD day.

Being A2 we surely live up to our name, A2=AA (Attract Attention). The whole group of us walked together, shoulders slouched and buck teeth sticking out. Mumuring chemical equations and mathematical formulas under our breaths. It was ridiculously embarrassing... To one point we were on the verge of cornering and ambushing a real nerd and chant "One of us...one of us..." as we huddled over her and breathed down her neck...

Too bad some brainless dickheads didn't get the joke and thought we were acting cute. Cute!? The thought of it! Please, looks are not important to us, now studies, that's a different matter, one mark less than a hundred percent and it would throw us into a state of hyperventiliation.

Or like JunYee said, we're naturally cute, cannot help it. HahaZ. Speaking of which even the guys went all out and flattened their hair, donned specs and pulled their pants all the way up to their waist and beyond. Can't believe my class is so amazingly sporting. Even Miss Tang put her hair into two ponytails, or so I've heard, but unfortunately I don't think it made her look any smarter...

At least it's over and done with and it's a whole week to another 24-hours of being stared at like a freak, pointed and laughed at and guys walking past me smirking and putting their fists by either side of their head.

But you have to admit it was entertaining and it did boost school/ class spirit.

Those people out there who thinks it's some kind of publicity stunt, it's really just a joke, for everyone to laugh at... that's what people need in these times of stress and exams, just plain non-skeptical/ non-cynical humour. The heavier the soul the thicker the dosage.

How to Make a Me

2005-05-17T14:41:00.000+08:00

How to make a Lin Tianni Tammi

Ingredients:

5 parts intelligence

5 parts arrogance

5 parts leadership

Method:
Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Top it off with a sprinkle of wisdom and enjoy!

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

Sunrise, sunrise, looks like mornin in your eyes...

2005-05-12T22:12:00.000+08:00

Spent the whole night at the airport supposedly mugging but in the end I only finished like, one tutorial.
Was really fun, did dumb things like ride on the luggage trolley. Brought back memories of when I was just a kid and we went to the airport to wait for dad whenever he came back from his business trips. And he would lift me up and prop me one of of his large samsonites, with my feet dangling on either side of large bulk and I would reach forward and yank impatiently at the metal barrier at the front of the trolley and pretend I was speed-racing.
Then we went to Terminal One's viewing gallery cause Terminal Two's was under construction. And we sat there and watched the sunrise from behind the drab grey rain clouds, and the air was heavy and wet from the rain the previous night and the whole sky was a bluish grey, dappled with hints of tamrine and violet... really gorgeous...
And the bus ride there was through the heavy rain with kenneth and it was really scary because the rain was so big and the windows were just engulfed by a sheet of cascading water and I felt as if I was in a scene fron "The Day After Tommorow". Then we saw a huge bright light strike a piece of the tar road right in front of as and the whole frame of the bus shook with the impact and the roar of the thunder. And kenneth being the science student proceeded to explain the concept of lightning to me using the theory of electrons... nice...

And I feel so guilty because Pam had no money and I told her to get a ticket stub because I thought ticket stubs were only a dollar plus. But then she messaged me and told me they were $2.50 but I didn't notice her sms and so we didn't alight at the terminal 2 bus stop. And now she's sick... >_<>
*dies*

Try to Walk Away and I Stumble...

2005-05-11T21:42:00.000+08:00

Dare I hold my breath and type everything out in a go?

There's just so many thing I've been meaning to spill out.

That day during lit tutorial our group was dissecting the attraction between opposite personalities. I admit I got a bit caught up in showing my utmost support that it ended up with me stumbling all over my words and tons of awkard stares.

Aw...heck.

Having someone who complements all your flaws, who excels where you lack...

For me it would have to be that someone remains level-headed despite my hysteria, who listens to my ramblings, whose undivded selflessness overshadows my conceitedness, someone who leads me along when I feel lost and defeated. In my stubborn attempts to resist the flow; fending off everyone and anyone; alienating myself in a thick fog of insecurity, mistrust, bitterness, animousity and apprehension.

Someone whose outlook on life seems to contradict all my former errected ceilings and boundaries. Someone who just appreciates life for the way it is. Someone who'll pick me up and show me the light at the end of the tunnel.

Whose hand fits just nice with mine, like two complementing pieces of a puzzle, opposite in everyway but fit together, form a beautiful whole picture.

Thank you.

The Morning After.

2005-05-07T09:43:00.000+08:00

Woah... Think I'm still reeling from the after effects.

*deep breath in*

Right! Where was I?

"You don't know how much you mean to me, whenever you're down you know that you can lean on me. No matter the situation. Boy, I'm gonna hold you down..."

Crooked

2005-05-04T21:03:00.000+08:00

The world is round for a reason.
It is round so that but one can stand on the pinnacle of the globe and the rest can only slip down into the recesses.
It's tilted, like the opinions of the masses are biased and shallow, leaning towards one unified direction.
It revolves, much like how the people who live on it revolve around one singular force which ties them down like heavy iron shackles that bind around their feet.

It is unfair. Life is unfair.

It is designed such that while one man succeeds, another shall fail in his place.
While a baby is conceived, somewhere else an old man passes away.
While one man is too full to eat dessert, another rummages through his rubbish for an appetizer.
While one man's senses are fed the majesty of the world's splendors, another lies untouched, blind and death.
The man who hems the rob with velvet has never before worn such splendid clothes.
And two friends caught up in the momentum, in the spinning and the whirling.
One was tossed eastwards and another westwards.
I can't say I don't understand how it's like to like someone so much and yet he doesn't even seem to notice.
I don't know if it's worth it for you. You know that you're so much more above him; maybe the heartache and the tears are wasted on such an ignorant soul.
And I can't say I know how to be there for you either...
But I'll try;
That's what friends are for.

Spinning~

2005-05-03T21:20:00.000+08:00

I guess I was kinda afraid.

I mean we're like total opposites; two ends of the spectrum.

I was kinda afraid you guys would say something hurtful.

K, I know you guys would never say hurtful things.

But maybe think of something hurtful?

But what right do I have to get offended by your personal opinion...

I dunno.

That's why I was afraid I guess.

Then and Then Again

2005-04-29T23:38:00.000+08:00

Believe it or not I completed my geog tutorial. Complete with full page essays, diagrams and cross-reference. Slept at midnight.

My throat is sort-of recovering. Thanks to my beloved class who keeps all forms of unhealthy food away from me. During econs Sean delibrately passed a box of Nestle chocolate cookies under my nose and refused to let me have any. When I queued up for my Mee Goreng Joon Yee remarked," Huh? Sick still can eat Mee Goreng arh?" And not too long ago in econs tutorial again Kitson passed around a packet of M&M's and everyone was giving me the "none-for-you" smirk.

I'M SO MISERABLE! Wait till I get better... I'm going to buy a THICK slab of Cadbury and gorge myself in front of all of you during GP. So there. T________T

Forgot what else I was going to blog about...

OhwellSH

Sometimes you can't Make It On your Own

2005-04-28T14:52:00.000+08:00

Can't believe I broke down in class today. It's so embarrassing.

I lost my voice and was whimpering the whole of today, so sorry if you mistook me for ignoring or daoing you... haha...

Was feeling really really horrible halfway through, made a pathetic attempt to complete DRQ and geog tutorials only to realise I did the wrong questions.

I was so frustrated at my carelessness and the reappearing workload that I thought I had settled most of last weekend. But just because I was ill for two days the whole load came pouring back in.

So then we went for geog tutorial and miss tang wanted to check my tutorial but I told her I didn't have time to do it and I was sick the whole of that week.

She responded that she didn't care and wanted me to stay back today to finish the assignment.

How fucked up was that? My lesssons ended at 5 today and she still wanted me to stay back? Plus i'm sick and miserable and I still had to finish my econs assignment by the next day.

I was so stressed that I started to cry. Then I quickly took out my sweater to hide my face but meifenggs, marilyn, jiapei, anita and sean caught me and they wrote messages on post-its and sent it down to me asking me to cheer up. Thanks guys really appreciate it, don't know what I'll do without you all...

Really stressed and freaked out... Don't know how I'm gonna finish two assignments by today with my throat rotting and apparently dad says I'm running a fever as well... Really need to work harder to catch up, don't wanna lag behind.

I'm so bummmmmmmed...

Sexy Irresistable Voice

2005-04-27T21:36:00.000+08:00

HahaZ, my throat is currently rotting. Who'd thought eating ichigo bliss when you have a sore throat would be a bad idea? =X

Okay. Stop looking at me like that, it was only one.

Anyway I think the flu's back with a vengance. Barely survived school today, and I got my arm mutiliated by meifenggs and rayna.

Not sure if I can drag myself to school tomorrow, can barely talk.

On another note: Yi Jun! Get well soon girl! Haha... We should meet up and share our germs together, like sit in at a table and cough until we create some form of toxic poisionous hovering cloud of viruses.

And thanks to all the sweeties who tagged or smsed me and asked me to get well soon; love you all! ^_______^

Unwell

2005-04-26T15:19:00.000+08:00

Sick, miserable and...ohwell... getting a bit delusional from all the medicine.

Can't believe I'm saying this, but, I miss school.

It's like 3 something and I still haven't had lunch.

I can't live by myself, I'm too lazy to make my own food, I'll just end up starving... They'll find my skeleton on the living room floor with a cell phone in my hand and pizza hut's busy tone on the other end.

I don't think I've ever been this sick before, and I don't even have a fever... It's like some evil mutant flu virus or something...

Ohwellsh, back to sleep. Maybe when I wake up dinner will materialize in front of me.

I've Been Thinking Lately- That You and Me...

2005-04-24T09:11:00.000+08:00

Hey there stranger
You've got a gorgeous smile
Though I've never really seen it
I've been staring quite some while

Hey there stranger
You saw me in the rain
If only you had looked closer
Saw my tears fall in vain

Hey there stranger
You're just not like the rest
Whenever I am feeling down
Your hug's always the best

Hey there stranger
I'm thinking I like you
I'm thinking the feeling's mutual
Your eyes told me, "Me too."

Hey there stranger
I know it's really queer
I'm drained and I can't carry on
Could I rest a while in here?

Hey there stranger
Why did you have to leave?
Was it something I said
Or one of your pet peeves?

Hey there stranger
I can't stop you, so go
Still I will be waiting here
Forever and always, just so you know...

Cause I love you, stranger.

There may be a thousand reasons why we shouldn't be together, why this wouldn't work out. But even if the world world turns its back on us.

I can find another thousand more reasons to keep on loving you.

But regarding "that thing" I really feel very helpless... Haha... Don't think there's anything I can do, cept maybe just be here for you. Sorry.

Cheer up kay? ^__________^

Clumpy Tissue and Other Ramblings.

2005-04-21T20:30:00.000+08:00

School is starting to take it's toll on me. But I feel it's just because I'm still reeling from the after effects of three months of just pure guilt-free indulgence. Someone slap me out of it.

Chinese would be fun if my teacher wasn't a pussy-faced china woman who can't speak a single word of English, constantly keeps picking on me, if Marilyn and Anita were in ChineseAO, if JiaPei and Sean stoppped ponning lesson, If the room had air-con, If I didn't have to write or speak Chinese and if they replaced lessons with the screening of Sex and the City season 4.

I seriously cannot remember a single word of Chinese. I almost died attempting to write a three line essay today.

We did something really stupid today. In geog tutorial Marilyn suddenly looked up and went "Ooh! Look! Wads of bubble gum!" And the rest of us looked up and saw clumps of dried up tissue paper. We had a fine time trying to explain to Marilyn how people got the tissue clumps to stick there before we gave up and decided to demonstrate instead. And throughout the whole lesson we were in fear that the wad would suddenly plop down onto Miss Tang's shoulder.

I'm sorry but I really can't stand HER. The "HEY GURLS~!" bimbo. She's really the epitome of bimboticness, I swear I could rent her head as a locker to store my gym socks. And that is highly possible seeing as she has such a LARGE forehead. In council Q&A the whole load of us kept calling her name and making her answer all the difficult questions. Like there was this question.

"What lessons do you think you can learn from history and utilize it to create a better student council. And what is your vision for the 28th student council?"

She grabbed the mike and stared thoughtfully (maybe blankly) at the audience.

"Erm... you know... the... Japanese in World War I?"

The rest of her speech was uncomprehensible. But that was enough. Firstly, I'm no history student but I'm pretty darn sure that the Japanese attacked in World War II darling. No, no need to get out your fingers to count, trust me.

Then she demanded freedom and democracy... (Sounds intellectual right? NOPE.)... For the way we wear our uniforms. Yep I'd bet you'd love that huh? Then maybe you can shorten your skirt to end right below your underwear or better yet. "WHAT SKIRT!?"

Sometimes I don't know why I even bother trying to fight for women's rights when frankly I think woman like her should be male-dominated for the rest of her life. Or better yet kept in a cage. Stupidity might be contagious.

Goin` Crazy.

2005-04-20T22:00:00.000+08:00

Ever since the day you went away
And left me lonely and cold
My life just hasn't been the same
Oh baby no...
When I looked into your eyes
The moment when I let you go
I just broke down...

Baby if I ever get the chance
To be with you again
I would sacrifice
Cause the feeling that I get within
No other man would make me feel so right
It's nice to smile;
When I get your phone call at night
But I'd rather have you here with me
Right next to me
And I miss the way you hold me tight.

I've gotta let you know
I feel so weak without your touch
I never thought that I could ever love a man so much.
I've gotta let you know that I think we are destiny
For you I'd cross the world
For you:
I'd do anything.

It's really not that simple.

It's not like we can round the whole class up; sit them down; and go "For the love of Christ already start bonding!"
These things take time, not to mention a couple of overnight chalets, night cycling and some other crazy stunts.
I have faith that A2 can be a great class, even maybe the greatest. But first we need to let go of tensions, of apprehensions, of animousity.
And most importantly:
Of the past.
I cannot mould A2 into the A4A I want it to be.
Cause everyone's different, A4A was great, was wonderful, and now I have to put those memories away and love my class for what it is.
A2.

So all the A2 peeps out there; Listen up.
Have faith; and for the love of humanity could you guys be any bitchier? ;)

"I'm so proud of my A2." - wipes a teardrop from my eye...

That's Right.

2005-04-20T20:39:00.000+08:00

I know that you know that I know that you know.

Now I'm put out here for the whole world to judge and scrutinise.

What difference does a few familiar faces make?

I know that you know I know this isn't easy; this isn't backstab, or mutiny or what-have-you-nots.

I have absolutely nothing to say in my defense. The mikestand's all yours, just go ahead.

Shoot.

Is there Something Missing?

2005-04-19T20:30:00.000+08:00

Felt really worn out today; too the point where I couldn't even talk; I just drifted, got shoved around and prodded. Fell asleep twice, once in chinese lesson and another in literature. Don't know if I regret taking 4 A's. The timetable's really vicious; and the workload is slowly piling up even though I must admit I am not exactly struggling yet.

Really feel quite miserable when I see the ex-04A people get let off like 3 hours earlier than me. Really miss them, wish it could be like last time where we'll go out together to Cafe Cartel and mooch around eating bread and ice cream. But they end so much earlier and I wouldn't want to impose by making them wait. Anyway even if they waited we wouldn't be able to go out because it'll be too late, and we all have our homework to do. Really really sad, can't believe my life took such a drastic turn after first three months. There's no point in dropping literature, because I know I need it. It's so depressing, but it is reality. Just like that show I watched in GP today; made me sick to the pits of my stomach. Sean had to give me a reality check, life's like that. Haha.

Then I gave a speech on religon and I think I mildly impressed the GP tutor because she gave me loads of points for improvement, on the other hand it could be the other way round, haha. Anyway I really need to get back on her good side after pissing her off that day.

Soccer's fun, but I cannot believe that the training is on Friday! That's like the only day I get to hang out with the ex-A4A people. It's my only early day in the whole week, don't know if I can make that sacrifice, haha.

I think instead of people telling me to take it easy I need a pep talk. Like, now. Just really down and out...

Affirmation of Faith

2005-04-18T23:21:00.000+08:00

It's life-changing, but in the tiniest, subtlest way possible.

The world still revolves, not much faster or slower than it has before. The sun still shines at times, and the rain pours at others. I still have trouble talking to guys. I still trip over annoying inconspicous things protruding out of the ground. I still stumble over my two left feet and knock over displays. I still hiccup, I still laugh, I still cry. My life still isn't perfect; neither am I. I still walk alone sometimes, with my hands folded across my chest and my head tilted towards the sky. Like she's the only one in the whole wide world.

But she knows she isn't.

Because the thing about it is. It opens your eyes. And you know that you're in the exact same world, in the exact same time and conext where he picked you up from. But now, you understand and realise, that for once, someone else besides you is actually real. And know life isn't going to become perfect, all those difficulties and obstacles in front of you isn't going to magically disappear. But it's just nice to know, that no matter what happens, as long as you fall, he's going to be there to catch you. And you'll be there for him.

That's what love is. None of that hallmark bullshit.

我就是那么傻

2005-04-16T10:30:00.000+08:00

And throughout the whole way through I had thoughts ringing in my head. And I tried to organise them and I tried to translate them into words.

And I'm not sure what held me back; but I didn't. I even stood there for a while composing myself but it was futile.

And then when you hugged me all I could do was turn around. And I couldn't even look back; or you would have seen my eyes brimming with tears.

"Please forgive me; I can't stop loving you."

Lonely

2005-04-13T23:51:00.000+08:00

Lonely im so lonely,

I have nobody,

To call my owwnnn

Im so lonely, im mr. Lonely

I have nobody,

To call my owwnnn

Im so lonely...

-Leeched of Yi Jun's blog. (Hah!)

Life goes on I guess. I'm truly blessed and fortunate to end up in 05A2. The people there are so fun and lively! It's like another 05A4A except maybe slightly more segregated.

We have me.

Our typical everyday IJ goody-two-shoes Marilyn who has a tendency to raise her hand when she speaks to people.

Meifenggs who really reminds me of Rayna. They are both equally bhb.

The scary bung-turn-shu nu JiaPei with glowing blue-black hair.

Sean the rugger who is THE EXACT SAME HEIGHT AS ME! Hah!

Shawn the active racist in our class. He ostracises Indians but overlooks the fact that he himself is Indian.

Justin Jap the diva.

Anita, not-Sarawak, the slacker.

JX, former Andersonian.

And GreenEyes, whom I really cannot remember her name although I'm totally captivated by her face (and her green eyes.) haha.

Then there are the really adroable former 05A2-ians like Kitson, Jok, Esther, YuXi etc.

AEP genius Mervy who btw is designing our class tee and thus it will kick your class's ASS!

A sort of autistic guy from Dunman Sec. Haha, k not really, maybe I'm just biased cause he's a Man U fan.

Oh ya and people with really cute names too. There's a girl with a surname "Mark" and another girl called "Shavon" I love her name lar... so jealous...

And an act-cute teacher who reigns over us with her glitter pen.

And we sat in the canteen today bitching about everybody who walked past. And it was so fun and we were being so bloody conspicuos becausw we were screaming at the top of our lungs.

"That guy! The one holding the bubble tea cup!"

"Which one? There are two!"

"The fuglier one!"

And so on and so forth. HahaZ; for some reason Justin Jap really reminds me of Choon Heng. And he does this evil rendition of Fantasia's "I Believe".

And I'm going to school for PE tmr just to show JiaPei that I am not a slacker. Going through so much just to prove myself lar...

05A2 rocks!

And I Should Have.

2005-04-11T16:47:00.000+08:00

I should have held your hand
But I was nervous
My palms were sweaty
And so I let go

I should have held on tighter
But the world was spinning
I stumbled; Retreated back
And fell out of your arms

I should have kissed you
But my lips were quaking
and my heart was breaking
And so I passed the chance

I should have ran after you
Shouting and hollering
But my knees were weak
And I watched you walk away

One day I sat and penned down
My "should-have's" and "what-if's"
And it was the greatest story
Never told; Never lived

I'm sick; **sniffs and sneezes convincingly** A teacher in lecture hall told me to go home when he saw the poor; disheveled state I was in. Who am I to defy a teacher?

And so I left.

Luckily soccer training was cancelled and so I didn't lose out. Oh; didn't I mention? I'm in debate and soccer. What an odd combination.

Speaking of odd combinations my subject combi is a pain in the arse. I can't wait for promos so I can drop one of my four A's. It's really too much work. I'm staggering under the weight of my tutorials. Probably going to try and do a bit more work later. I still have three literature tutorials to finish and I have no idea how I'm going to get my hands on a playwright in my condition. Maybe someone could wheelchair me to the esplanade library?

I think it was my workload that got me sick in the first place. I've been having way too many late night mugging sessions; but you have ot admit that I managed to get quite a bit of work done...

Sexy Seventeen?

2005-04-05T22:53:00.000+08:00

No time to blog about birthday. But big hug and smooches to all who went all out to turn my frown upside-down :).

Sixteen for a Moment

2005-04-04T19:18:00.000+08:00

Nobody said it was easy; noone ever said it was so hard.

And it wasn't easy.

She looked back and saw a trail of footprints, snaking all the way from the other far shore of the beach. They resembled a rally of tiny sea turtles, dark and glistening against the ivory sand. She stood and took a long hard stare. Had it really been that far? For it seemed like a blink of an eye. She scrutinised the trail once more, at some lengths of the path the footprints were deep and precise, full of confidence and purpose. At others they were shallow and inconspicuous, where she had sprinted, her toes scraped against the sand and sent handfuls of wet grain spraying out behind her, creating a fountain-like pattern. There were also other prints, two knobby looking oval shapes; her knees, where she had fallen.

And then she saw something that brought tears to her eyes. At every point where there were knee prints, there were another set of footprints that diverged from her trail. Some were wide and gruff looking, others were petite and slim, each glowed a rich shade of gold in the setting sun. They weren't hers; but the people who had stopped along the way to pick her up. And she stared into the distance, the golden prints twinkled like the rarest of gems; and she tried to count them, but there were too many. And for the first time in her life, she noticed that her trail was not the only one; other footprints scattered the beach, criss-crossing over hers. There were so many, yet each of them basked in their own glow. They merged with her footprints and formed beautiful patterns that resembled those of royal tapestries. And just like a tapestry, the pattern would not have been so flawless and admirable had one stitch been out of place.

And I felt like the luckiest 16 going on 17 girl alive.

Fall to Pieces

2005-04-03T21:56:00.000+08:00

And I don't want to fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
Cause I'm in love with you

-"Fall to Pieces" by Avril Lavigne

Nobody said it was Easy.

2005-04-02T22:47:00.000+08:00

Noone ever said it was so hard...

My mom just screamed in my face, "Fuck you! You're gonna buy new skirts!?"

Maybe I could put together new ones from potato sacks. They are after all of the same color and quality.

I've been walking around in a daze recently. I've stumbled over steps, walked face first into lamp posts, missed bus stops etc.

It's high time I realised. Noone's gonna be there for me, noone's ever have been, or will be.

I think I've lost my will to live.

2005-04-01T20:01:00.001+08:00

It's s Friday night and I'm stuck at home because I just woke up.

Think i'll take a shower and go for a jog.

I hate my new uniform. Firstly because it's the color of rotting tamarines, or the sludge you scrape off from the bottom of sewer tanks. Secondly because I think my skirt's gone too short. I wanted to take off six inches to make it partially covering my knee but I think the lady took off 6 inches of material AND THEN hemmed it up, so now it's like an inch above my knee. On normal people it actually looks moderately decent, but because I have legs the rival an ostrich's (in length; not radius) I may come to school on monday looking like a slut. Which is so not helping my image because people already think of me as the girl who wears lipstick to school. Speaking of which, in the past week I've been told I have a kiam pah face, an IJ face and a judo face. People tend to derive joy from classifying my mug.

Since today was the last time ever I would wear my Anderson Uniform, I let myself get vandalised. Now I have "Rayna is cute" scribbled all over my shirt in magic markers. Shit. I'm covered in lies, LITERALLY.

And my ct's not all that bad, since I'm sort of hailed as shopping queen. Partially because during a game of pictionary I guessed the term "stiletto". Hah. Speaking of which I'm thinking of getting this pair of metallic sandals from exodus, they're really pretty. And I also want that pig leather lining black ballet flats...

I'll be waiting for you... If you come here you will find me, I promise...

I think I'm gonna be all by myself this birthday. That'll be a change from the extravagent party I had last year. I'll...rather...be...by...myself...thank...you (acting loner)

爱你也没办法...

2005-03-31T17:50:00.000+08:00

Click View> Encoding> Unicode (UTF-8)

黑暗中的我们都没有说话

你只想回家; 不想你回家

寂寞深的像海太让人害怕

温柔你的手轻轻揉着我的发

你的眉眼说你好渴望我拥抱

你身体却在拼命逃但欲望在燃烧

你爱我还是他

是不是真的他要比我好

你为谁在挣扎

爱我还是他

就说出你想说的真心话

你到底要跟我还是他

这是不是命运对我的惩罚

爱你也没办法; 恨你也没办法

陷在这个漩涡只想挣脱它

拉住你的手却让我也被拖下

你的眉眼说你不渴望我拥抱

每当爱变成了煎熬你就开始要逃

你爱我还是他

是不是我可以做他的好你不再挣扎

爱我还是他

我宁愿听到残忍的回答也不要再被耍

你爱我还是他

我为你找了一百个理由我就是那么傻

爱我还是他

是否沉默代替你的回答我应该明白吗

爱我还是他噢

你都已看不到我们的好我还会心牵挂

你爱我还是他

是否沉默就是你的回答我们都别挣扎

去爱他...

She ran out haphazardly stumbling onto the pavement. She was late. Her cashmere shrug was limp and askew, her hair, damp from rain clung onto her shoulders and the frame of her face. Her grip on her folder tigtened as she felt the rain grow stronger. Her steps quickened as she sprinted hastily towards the busstop. Suddenly she felt her foot jerk back as her ankle got caught in a fallen branch, she sprawled forward and landed on her knees. Amidst the mud, the rain nd not to mention the tears she remained there on all fours, her chest heaving heavily. A sharp pain shot through her knees and she thought she saw blood but she ignored it; it was nothing compared to the ache in her heart. Suddenly she felt the sky darken and the rain stop. She looked up only to be met a rather large dark blue umbrella. It was him. She let out a cry of happiness and threw herself into his arms. Her tear cum mud-stained face met his clean flannel shirt and nestled into the comfort of his collar bone. They stood there motionless and wordless, but feelings were being exchanged that words could never comprehend.

Reality Check:

She ran out haphazardly stumbling onto the pavement. She was late. Her hair was pulled back untidily into a ponytail. It wasn't raining, but the humidity caused about everything to grow damp, making her efforts to blow dry her hair completely futile. A car screeched by drenching her completely in a spray of gutter water. She stuck her arm out waving fervently at any cab that passed. None stopped. And he was nowhere to be seen. Finally a cab stoppped and she was greeted with the overwhelming odour of chinese herbs as she opened the door. "Nanyang JC and please hurry, i'm late," she urged. The cab driver gave a nod of acknowledgment and they pulled away from the curve, the girl took a final look back, and she saw nothing worth going back for.

Kill the Beast

2005-03-31T10:31:00.000+08:00

In the time span of one month I have managed to stimultaneously hurt two people whom I loved and cherished. I'm a monster. Stay away.

**Unruly racket made by angry mob, i.e. gnashing of pitchforks etc.**

When there's Noone Else.

2005-03-30T16:52:00.000+08:00

Haha, I'm really screwed on this one right Mich?

Remember when you first heard of the term "heartbreak"? And you thought it was just some Shakespearan wannabe being mellow-dramatic because it's scientifically impossible for your heart to literally rip into half.

We were both wrong.

It really really does hurt. It hurts like nothing you've ever felt before. Like lierally. When you breathe in your chest shudders because you feel a sharp pain spreading throughout your soul, you feel your heart sink to the pit of your stomach. And the worst part is, you can't do anything about it. You've still got to go on living, go on pretending that everything's alright. Go on smiling and laughing and joking. And it doesn't go away, but you numb yourself and grow immuned to the pain and turmoil within.

You think finding a cure for cancer is tough? Try finding a cure for a heartache, now that's Nobel prize-worthy.

And the only person I thought I could talk to is the person I should have avoided from the start.

The Forbidden

2005-03-29T18:56:00.000+08:00

"Speak up; I can't hear you."

"Nay, for these are words dripping with poison and treachery. These words they cut and sting, these words reside only in the deepest and darkest of one's soul."

Dear you,

It was stupid of me. I should have saw through your facade, or the way you so quickly brush away the subject. I know you lie because you think it's good for me, but it's hurting me so much.

I should have saw through it, but it was a lack of sensitivity on my part. And still you let me speak. I am touched. Truly. You are indeed a friend of the highest degree...

...That's why I'm not sure if I can go through this.

Friends do not betray friends. I, my friend, have just unconsciously stabbed you in the back. I can only pull the knife out, and pray that one day the wound may heal. That time may pass over it and numb the pain.

I have reached no conclusion. I stand here, my decision wavering with every word I type. I know what I'm supposed to do. It would have been so much easier if you hadn't lied in the first place, because then I wouldn't have proceeded without your well-wishes. That's why I do not want to wade in too deep, in fear that I may not ever come out. But this secret brings so much joy and so much pain. In the past weeks I have managed to severe the relations between my lips and my soul. I feel empty, I'm falling... I'm not sure if anyone is there to catch me.

You can't let me do this to you.

爱我还是他

2005-03-28T20:31:00.000+08:00

Been baking the whole evening. Now my hair smells of chocolate and my microwave has crusted over. There's flour everywhere and there's batter stains on my pinafore.

My mom just said something very hurtful. I was brooding around on the bed exhausted from baking and washing up.

"Will you stop being so miserable? Because I can't take it anymore."

I was stunned. Then I just sat there for a moment staring at her with my jaw hanging open before I flipped over. I could feel tears brimming in my eyes but I just couldn't let her watch me cry.

Even as I type I made the mistake of coming into the studyroom with her in it. Now she's saying that I'm mean cause I didn't bake a cupcake for her. Is it my fault? I don't even have enough for the whole CT. I'm just typing everything out cause I'm clenching my jaw refusing to say anything. It'll just make it worst. I can feel my blood boiling. I'm reaching boiling point... But I refuse to say anything. Don't say anything. Don't say anything. Don't say anything....

Okay. Word vomit. I shouldn't have said anything. Damn. Now she's on a role.

Okay. More rubbish. I'm dying to shoot back. Shut up... smile sweetly... don't say anything.
Utter bullshit. Bullshit. BULLSHIT.

She says she wants to give Dad a present to show him how much we love him. She is the one who quarrels with him all the time, what bullshit.

Now I'm supposedly the one with the problem. K. Whatever.

Must get out of room... k before I leave there's one last thing I need to say, it's extremely childish but it just about sums up everything:

"You have so many le, can don't snatch with me?"

Animousity

2005-03-27T18:49:00.000+08:00

The million-dollar question:

COMPUTING or LITERATURE?

I know you think I fit the lit student stereotype much more than I'll ever fit the computing student stereotype. But that unfortunately is not true...
...I hate Shakespear.

**hears several gasps and outcries of "You monster!" stimultaneously dodging a handful of rotten eggs**

Yes I'm afraid I do. He just annoys me. Period. There's something about a guy with a moustache in velvet and spandex that turns me the hell off. If I take literature it would involve a three essay paper about him. Boo.

Computing on the other hand seems to appeal to me. Like how I built this template from scratch. I enjoy applying Javascript and all kinds of other doo-dangs and seeing how the programme turns out. it's amazing how a bunch of letters and numbers can create such vast limitless reservoir of information and technology. And it'll probably be more useful to me in the future.

Although literature will force feed me novels I would have never touched otherwise. Like can you believe I just only finished reading "To Kill a MockingBird" this December holidays? It'll also help in my language skills which will serve to be useful should I take Law in future.

Then again taking Literature and Mathematics stimultaneously seems to be a doomsday combination according to majority of the arts faculty lecturers. But it isn't really an issue for me because I'll be able to drop the one I suck in since I'll be taking four A level subjects.

Taking Computing means that I'll be in a cross-faculty situation and my whole timetable will be screwed up a.k.a SOCIAL SUICIDE.

And then there's AO Chinese.

Mich> Happy Birthday Girl! WHY WON'T YOU PICK UP YOUR PHONE!?

This Seems Real to Me.

2005-03-23T22:08:00.000+08:00

In this world there's real and make-believe; This seems real to me.

I don't hurt easily, whether physically or emotionally. I'm almost as egoistic and insensitive as a guy. Push me down and I bounce back up. I bleed; I heal. But my pride is infallible.

So the notion that I might actually have feelings seems pretty darn radical.

2am, and the Rain is Falling.

2005-03-22T02:32:00.000+08:00

Yep, like the title says, it is in fact 2am, well, maybe 2.33am by my computer clack but then again computer clocks are just as beat up as the ones you have on your microwave or on your VCR. In fact I think my VCR still thinks it's Christmas.

Anyway, yeah really can't get to sleep. Which is a bad thing seeing as how I've got to wake up early tomorrow to make court bookings and meet up with the class for a prata brunch.

Yeah, what's wrong with me huh? First I deprive myself of food, and now sleep. Nah. Not really, just thinking too much about what both Mich and Ness said.

Haha, pretty glad that I finally managed to talk it out with Ness. Before that I was pretty apprehensive about approaching the subject. Not too sure why, just afraid I'll hear what I don't want to. But yeah, I just totally love the both of them. They make so much sense I think soon I'll have to cower in their brilliance.

Sometimes I'm too afraid to hold on to things too tightly, because it always makes it so much harder for me to...let go.

And then there's those other stuff too.

Baby I love you and I'll never let you go. But if I have to, Boy I think that you should know. The love we made, will never be erased. Boy I promise you that you will never be replaced.

It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real, I love the way it feels...

Never Be Replaced.

2005-03-20T17:12:00.000+08:00

Okay this is dumb, I just typed a whole entry and deleted it after talking to Michelle.

I will never ever doubt my best friend again. Next time she's going to be the first person I call, she's all-knowing and her advice actually makes sense.

Onto some random blogging.

Some people ask, "Tammi, why is it half of your entries don't make sense? Can't you just type like a normal blogger and tell us about your day instead of these tales you spin from your half-baked mind?"

Well. Okay. Noone has actually asked me that yet. But in case they do...

First of all, telling a person about your day has to be the best way to make conversation. i.e. Being asked politely how my day was I'd smile and go, "Oh same old, same old. I met up with the US secretary of state and added a clause to the Declaration of Independance. Then I discovered a cure for cancer and had baked beans for tea."

This conversation wouldn't be able to take place if that same someone read by blog beforehand and I happened to blog about my day.

But noone comes up to me and asks about my stand on nuclear proliferation now do they?

First of all it wouldn'e be a very interesting topic to chat about and it'll probably not go down well with tea and ginger biscuits.

So ya.

Thanks again Mich.

The Hours Before and the Hours After.

2005-03-18T11:31:00.000+08:00

You guys know how it is to meet an attatched friend who happens to be with her counterpart. The conversation usually goes as follows,

"Hey Tammi! How have you been? I've bet you haven't been formally introduced to my BOYFRIEND. Tammi, BOYFRIEND. BOYFRIEND, Tammi. You guys could really get along you know, seeing as how you're my girlfriend and he's my BOYFRIEND and all, BOYFRIEND BOYFRIEND BOYFRIEND BOYFRIEND..."

Okay, maybe a little bit of exaggeration on my part. But it's somewhere along those lines.

However Faz and her BOYFRIEND (Okay, I'll stop with the bold italics) were an exception. Haha, I think they're adorable. Wonder if Faz's still checks my blog, what with her busy with her BOYFRIEND and all (I didn't say I'll stop the caps). Haha, kidding, but they're really a sweet couple. Add them to the list of couples I like against the list of couples I think should burn in hell forever. JLo and Marc Anthony are on the latter.

The night before I watched the Hours. As soon as the credits started rolling I bolted straight towards the study. I swiftly bunned my hair up with a pen and started typing furiously at the computer like a madwoman.

I must have typed close to eight paragraphs before I stopped, hesistated. Then highlighted everything before pasting it onto a notepad and saving it. It was unrefined and raw, using the concept of "the chain of thoughts" I had written a whole paragraph based on several quotes I had taken down during the movie. I don't think I'm posting up what I wrote anytime soon. Instead I'll post up the quotes:

"Someone must die, in order for the rest of us to value life more. it's contrast."

"What does it mean to regret, when you have no chioce.It's what you can bear. It was death, I chose life."

"To look life in the face, and to know it for what it is, at last. To know it, to love it, for what it is and then to put it away..."

"To avoid living is not to find peace."

"I woke up to a feeling of hope, and I thought to myself, this has to be the beginning of happiness. But now I realise, that moment was happiness itself."

Chew on them.

Falling in and out.

2005-03-16T22:31:00.000+08:00

My dad is really really uber sweet.

Okay, so I've been moping around the house all day. Mom doesn't really get that I'm sorta depressed, but since my continuous presence in the household seems to be some sort of phenomenon. My mom naturally assumes that I'm sick and starts prescribing asprin. I explain that I'm perfectly fine and she asks me why I didn't go to town today to get my mp3 player fixed. I tell her I didn't feel like it and suddenly this sparks off a spit between me and my mom which ends of with a "Why can't I have a nicer daughter?".

So when I come down minutes later with red puffy eyes my mom finally gets the message that maybe the world doesn't really revolve around her ALL THE TIME. She tries to ask me what's wrong and when I don't reply she attempts reverse psychology by randomly shooting out unpleasant scenarious, i.e. I've quarrelled with all my friends and there are none left to go out with me, I've not been selected for OGL etc. etc. And worst still, she jumps to the conclusion that scenario one must be correct and goes off into a lecture about what a horrible attitude I have.

As you can see she is NOT helping AT ALL. I start to get really really pissed off. Then she starts questioning why I don't tell her my problems (yeah right...) and how she's been trying her hardest to bond with me yadda yadda. It's just like her, she thinks everything is about her. Even that time when we were discussing MY L1R5 she starts reminscing and talking about her own. I have never met anyone as NARCISSTIC and SELF-OBSESSED as my mom. Seriously, just kill me now.

I give up and run up to my room in an attempt to cry myself to sleep. Which I must say I was rather successful because I woke up about an hour later to a tear-stained pillow and my dad shaking me awake. Apparently my mom told my dad all about it but probably not the way you've seen the situation. I can only guess that she probably said something like I was being rude to her just because I'm upset that I have no more friends or something along that lines. Luckily my dad knowing my mom, only acknowledges the "Tammi's depressed" part.

Then he takes me out on a drive and we go to Suntec to buy my Nikes, then we went down to Mobile for a drink and ice-cream. He even offered to bring me to play soccer this weekend. And best of all, he asked nothing! In fact most of our conversation revolved around the economic progress in the middle-east, the prospects of business there and other intellectual banter.

When I grow up I'm going to marry a guy just like my dad. =)

Silenced

2005-03-16T17:08:00.000+08:00

I have reached the epitome of stoning. In the past few days I think I have slept a collective 37 hours or part there of.

Spent today avoiding phonecalls, ignoring messages, cooking stew and then pouring it away without eating any, basically lumbering around half-dead and semi-conscious.

Did something extremely juvenile. I was playing a new game I invented for sad anti-social losers like me. It's called tenuash, or squanis, whichever you find easier to pronounce. It's a mesh-up of tennis and squash, i.e. involves you playing tennis with a blank wall, which I must say my house lacks. After setting off on a expedition I scouted the most appropriate blank wall, which might I say, was rather blank with the exception of a couple of shelves which held a display of expensive chinaware and crystals. You can roughly figure out what happened. I hit the ball to high and sent a beautiful english china (haha, oxymoron) handpainted plate crashing down. I stood there gawking stupidly at it for a few moments before spurring myself into a full fledged panic and ran to the closet to get the broom and dustpan. As most of you should now, I am not very acquainted with either of them and so I proceeded to very awkardly sweep little bits of white china into my dustpan. I contemplated getting out cement glue but I realised that the situation was no longer rescuable. So I chucked everything down the chute, and my maid stopped me from chucking the dustpan. I threw away the metal stand for the plate as well. The result was a glaring empty space on the shelf. I reached for a glass rooster from the one of the other over-crowded shelves and placed it in the empty spot.

My mom's been back for a full twenty minutes and I don't think she's realised yet.

Probably in some parallel universe this entry might actually be a cry for help. But why should you care, right?

So you Sailed Away, into a Grey Sky Morning.

2005-03-15T11:10:00.000+08:00

Today I woke up to a drab grey sky dabbled with spots of ebony, the air smelt like rain and the leaves were being jostled around roughly by the hostile wind, creating a symphony of irritable rustling and mumbling. I stood there motionless contemplating darting back under the covers before heaving myself slowly downstairs to make myself a cup of relatively bland ribena.

I must give myself a pat on the back for being so utterly enthusiastic and cheerful yesterday. Despite the turmoil and conflict going on inside of me.

I wonder if Ness was surprised by how casually I put it across and then stopped talking about it totally. Truth is, I'm really not as certain as I think I am. I just wished there could be an easier way, but I know there isn't.

Was really totally mentally and physically exhausted by the OGL workshop yesterday. Might be related to the fact that I slept at 2am the day before. Me and WeiQi were strolling in Bishan Park. I remember this little floating disk in the pond surrounded by a flight of descending staircases as one of my more prominent and scarce childhood memories. I used to think that they demolished it in the remodelling of Bishan Park till ZJ pointed it out to me that day. Turns out it isn't as overwhelmingly big as I remembered it to be, but then again, I used to be much smaller.

So anyway me and WeiQi just sat there for like an hour or so, eating chocolate and me chucking the hazelnut bits into the pond where it immediately became a hit with the fishes. And WeiQi announced chocolate as her replacement for sex and said it would be the thing to help her get through CJC without screwing her life up. Haha. Sometimes I think that for the governement to improve fertility rates they should really put a ban on chocolate. It's like a lonely heart's best friend.

Random Blogging:

I know how everyone envies those glamorous women, with their hair all done up whether iron-straight or stiff with hair spray. Their faces caked with make up and eyelashes long enough to brush the apples of their cheeks which are vigorously flushed with blusher. Strutting around in six-inched Marc Jacobs and decked in Versace with a cloud of Chanel No.5 hovering around them.

But sometimes I enjoy the simplier side of life. I enjoy waking up in the morning, spritzing on Anna Sui, haphazardly running a comb through my hair and pulling it back with a colored band. Throwing on a vintage print tee shirt and shorts and a handful of random beads, stepping into my ballet flats with a grandma bag swinging from my hand and running out of the house (of course I do shower but I didn't want to bore you with my bathing antics).

There are times when simplicity outdoes perfection, and I feel that's what makes life so beautiful. Because everything is so darn uncertain.

Remember when you were young and people used to go, "Oh my, what rosy cheeks she has!" or "What gorgeous eyelashes she has!". I used to get tons of that, along with some pretty vicious cheek-pinching. But as I grew older, I realised that these compliments are replaced with, "Are you using blusher?" or "Is that mascara?". Give it a few more years and I'll get accusations of using collagen. There's nothing to do really, I just got so sick of them the time my lips were raw and swollen and people kept asking me why I wore lipstick to school. I had to further aggravate my already inflamed lips by rubbing against them with my finger and show that there was indeed no lipstick on them.

Or when my acne cleared up and people asked me if I was wearing concealer. I should have wiped my face on their shirt.

Unwritten

2005-03-13T16:50:00.000+08:00

"Hello there. An angel from my nightmare, a shadow in the darkness of the night."

She spoke. Yet it was dead silent, the only thing that came out of her mouth were words, bouncing and ricocheting off the walls, like tiny little black bees. She lifted up an arm and grabbed one. In the light her limbs looked distinctively swollen and bloated, almost as if she was underwater. Shocked, she let go and the word rose higher and higher out off her reach, buzzing furiously. She gave chase, lumbering clumsily after them. Swatting blindly in the air. She started to slow down, with each step she took it seemed harder and harder to lift her foot off the ground, it was almost as if the floor was coated with honey. Hugging onto the soles of her foot. Then in the dim light she saw him. It was almost as if they read her mind and they instantaneously gained speed and made a beeline towards the lone figure, sihouetted against the light source. She lunged forward, but a invisible force held her back and she fell to her knees. She sat there helplessly as the creatures swarmed around him, releasing her voice which echoed through the hallway.
And it ended. The creatures ceased flight in mid-air and dropped lifelessly to the floor. Now that they were still she could make out what they were. Letters, tiny little black text with wings. She returned her attention to him, afraid of what he might think. And in the darkness, she thought she saw him smile.

Dad's back and he says I've lost alot of weight. So did the doctor.

Nonsense, cause I measured and it's only 3kg less. Couldn't fit into my mango capri pants anymore though. Well that's the good thing about a pinafore because noone really notices.

I really have to start eating properly again.

Que Sera Sera.

2005-03-12T22:50:00.000+08:00

Finally managed 2 hours of sleep which consisted mainly of just lying on my bed squeezing my eyes shut.

Haha, I'm such a hypocrite. I was the one who said, "Don't think so much." But now I'm the one who's giving it too much thought. I think it was the dream that really gave me a fright, I woke up my face flushed, gasping for air with hot tears streaming down my cheeks. And there was no way I could have gone back to sleep.

It's okay, Que sera sera, whatever will be, will be. I'll just put it all in God's hands, everything will be alright in the end.

I'll be waiting for you, so if you come here you'll find me... I promise.

Leaving on a Jet Plane.

2005-03-12T12:01:00.000+08:00

The dawn is breaking-
It's early morn.
The taxi's waiting,
He's blowing his horn.
Already I'm so lonesome
I could die.

So Kiss me and smile for me,
Tell me that you'll wait for me,
Hold me like you'll never let me go.
Cause I'm leaving, on a jet plane.
Don't know when I'll be back again.
Oh babe, I hate to go...

Down With Love.

2005-03-12T01:53:00.000+08:00

There's no way I'm stepping aside and watch myself get impeached! As the vice-president and co-founder of the lonely hearts club I will hold by my honour and fight.

Since my title still holds, I would like to implement a decree that states that both the president and the vice-president's status cannot be altered by means outside the co-founders. Which means that only the three co-founders of the Lonely Hearts Club will be able to vote on change of presidency, which in this case is the president, the vice-president and the secretary.

This will not be a corrosion of democracy because technically members will still be able to nominate members for presidency. Unrestricted voting however wil be allowed for posts beyond the three co-founders. Nominies however will have to be approved by the president and vice-president first before the voting can take place. Voters have to registered and approved members ofthe Lonely Hearts Club. Votes are strictly private and will not be disclosed to any other personnal unless the president/ vice-president thinks appropriate.

In other words.

HA! IN YOUR FACE!

And YES, photos are up.

Pekking Duck and other Ramblings.

2005-03-09T20:04:00.000+08:00

I was scouted by the United Artiste association today. It wasn't the typical CAL with a clipboard and the "You want to be model not?". For the first time I seemed genuinely interested. They were really professional, in fact I was led to believe that they weren't scouts but the staff themselves. It was a guy and the girl and I must say they're taste in clothes did sway me much. I just loved the girl's rainbow blazer, and she carried it off really well too. Apparently the United Artiste association recruits not only models but actresses and singers too. It was when I heard the actresses part that my eyes lit up. It would be so cool if I could do theatrework as a part-time job. So I gave them my name and ACTUAL phone number and the guy swiftly typed it into his mobile. After which we shook hands and bid goodbye. They told me they'll call me to give me more details.

Wonder why I finally caved in. I refused all the others because I thought that modelling was bimbotic and an utter insult to my dignity, buy this actually seemed promising. After all I have a brief history in acting and I have a passion for theatrework. Although honestly I'd rather be in backstage and producing. All the fame and notority, who needs?

So anyway I haven't explained myself yet. I woke up late and didn't go to school. I went to town and braved the heat and the crowds just to buy ingredients for my pekking duck wraps for the CT luncheon tomorrow. Yup that's about it.

Oh ya and I saw an actual pair of espradilles in the Heeren! For a mere $39! But alas they didn't have my size. I could've sworn those were actual tears in my eyes. Cindy bashed me for being a drama queen. Losing a boyfriend seems so juvenille and insignificant, but losing a pair of shoes... that is REAL heartache.

So then we stopped going to shoe stores because I was mourning my loss. We went to the Iseatan supermarket and got the stuff, spending about 5 minutes in front of the vegetables section poking and prodding the green onion like a pair of bimbos trying to figure out which ones were fresh.

You know I might actually make a good model.

As long as they don't refuse me my desserts.

The Wings of Time.

2005-03-09T12:13:00.000+08:00

It was December.

December and it was cold and wet. And a little girl and her wispy-eyed friend stood at the steps of Nanyang JC, their portfolio in their arms and an uneasiness in their hearts.

December and the girl rushed back from the airport, her ponytail askew from the long hours in the plane and tore open a little brown envelope.

December and Christmas came and went silently as she waited in anticipation of her new life ahead.

It was January.

January and it was hot and stiffling. And the girl stood at the bus stop waiting.

January and she was proud to be an Ithorian.

January and the girl cast aside her former bitterness and apprehension.

January and the girl dropped a subject and picked up a whole new class of friends.

It was February.

February and the air hung still and thick with love.

February and two girls sat in front of the TV filling testubes will brightly colored sweets.

February and a group of very different people were made to stay under the same roof.

February and two girls and two guys were staring at the moon trying to figure out the time.

February and their months of hardwork was summed up in a slip of paper.

February and the air was stained with tears and laughter.

It was March.

March and it was blistering hot.

March and two friends jumped off a bridge and swam across a lagoon.

March and a girl climbed to the edge of the breakwaters to pick up a rock.

March and they sat in the MRT stiff, sunburnt and tired.

March and a girl sat in front of her computer screen, teary-eyed.

December, January, February, March.

And friendships were bonded and ties were formed.

It was April.

April and the air was filled with the festive of easter.

April and the girl grew another year older.

April and the little girl looked back and she wasn't so little anymore...

This Resentment that Wells Up Within

2005-03-08T01:20:00.000+08:00

I feel like breaking down and crying.

I know I've been sad for a long time, I've sorta been grumbling and joking about it with the people around me. But now that this is the last week, the realisation is finally starting to sink in.
I'm going to leave 05A4A.

I know I'm always the evil heartless bitch with my hands folded across my chest, constantly rolling my eyes and looking exasperated.

But what can I say, underneath my cold hard exterior I really love you guys. Alot.
I love all your stupid crazy embarrassing antics that make me want to curl up on the floor and die.

I love Rayna and her dramatics, not to mention her horrid peeling patchy skin and her ability to store food in her cheeks for later consumption.

I love Yi Jun, her crude bluntness and her incredibly lame jokes that just leaves us stunned and speechless.

I love Vanessa although she wants to kill me, in fact I love it that she wants to kill me! Because it makes me want to annoy her more and believe me I am more than capable.

I love Amanda and her amazing bimboticness, walking around in her sailormoon costume swinging her rebonded ponytail.

I love Mindy and her freaky psychotic nature.

I love Si Min and her stylish Armani emo glasses that make me seem smart.

I love Hien cause she's so pretty and she's going to cook Vietnamese cuisine for me.

I love Jing Si cause she's always so wise and all-knowing.

I love Gladys though her upbeat cheery personality scares me, but I still love her and her drawings.

I love Yu Zhi cause she's always so slack and laidback.

I love Zoe cause she looks nerdy but she's really slacked and laidback, always spurring us into mass ponning sessions.

I love Ying Ying cause she's so sweet and brave during the escape rides.

I love Si Hui cause she was also as brave and sweet as Ying Ying and she helped me complete the photo essay.

I love Gui Ping cause she's such an Ah Lian with her rebonded hair and multiple earrings, not a pseudo poser like Ness.

I love Puay Sang and her amazing ability to fall asleep anywhere at any one time, I also love the way our class abuses the use of her name.

I love Jaime cause he's a faggot but he just hasn't realised it yet, I enjoy punching him in the stomach, but I don't think he enjoys that as much as me.

I love Yi Yi and his affection for Pi Li Huo, not to mention his extremely erratic attendance keeps us class in constant suspense.

I love Zhi Jia though he's a slacker cum stoner and his main form of communication is exasperated looks and complicated hand signs.

I love Justin cause he bought me Vodka and lent me his shirt.

I also love Eik Tiong cause he sacrificed his Vodka and always theorises on scientific explanations with me.

I also love Pamela cause she was there from the beginning and I remember pulling down her long socks and scolding her.

I love you all, no matter what happens you guys will always be close to my heart and I'll never forget any of you. Okay I might forget what you look like, and when you wave at me I'll just stare blankly before convincing myself that I do in fact, know you and wave haphazardly back. Heck I may not even remember your name. But I will never forget you. That made absolutely no sense because I can't really see or type properly...

...I'm crying.

Scattered

2005-03-07T23:15:00.000+08:00

Could you pick them up for me please?

The first piece fell in the classroom, when he smiled at me and I looked away, feigning interest in the classroom blinds.

The second piece fell when I saw him walking towards me in the corridor and I ducked into the classroom.

The third fell in the canteen, when his friends told me he liked me and I pretended not to care.

The forth fell in the lecture hall when he walked right past me as if I wasn't there.

The fifth fell in the grandstand when I saw him talking to another girl.

The sixth fell in the movie theatre when I saw him kissing that same girl.

The seventh fell during graduation ball, when I was crowned prom queen and he formally handed me my tiara and told me I looked beautiful. But I just smiled and said nothing.

The eight fell in my hallway when I received the invitation to his wedding.

The ninth fell in the church after the ceremony was over and they walked down the aisle hand in hand. I stared at her face, so fair and bursting with radiant joy and thought, "That could've been me."

The tenth was in the graveyard in the hills, when his coffin was lowered into the earth and I threw in a handful of dirt clumps.

"Ashes to ashes; dust to dust."

Through her tear-stained rouged cheeks, I could tell she was upset, but none as upset and regretful as I who stood there silent and stone-faced.

Because I loved him, and he didn't know.

****************************

On a lighter note I'm going to be late for school tomorrow cause me and Ness are having a Ya Kun breakfast! Ha!

Sleepless in Singapore

2005-03-07T19:29:00.000+08:00

Don't you hate it when people say stupid things like, "You should really try not to spend so much.", "Iraq has weapons of mass destruction." or even "Don't sleep so much in the afternoon, you won't be able to sleep later." In face of such comments, I merely snort, roll over and go back to my nap only to wake up the next morning. Last night however, I took in too much caffiene and wound up lying in bed staring at the ceiling for some eight hours. Came to school looking haggard and totally unglam, with bags under my eyes and all. (Haha, just kidding, I'm much too perfect to have bags under my eyes :) )
After geog tutorial I dragged my sorry ass to econs lecture. Before it started I needed to pee (In JC you never say you need to the toliet, always to pee) so I made my way towards the lecture hall exit, then I met Cindy sitting up in front with her gang of nerdy science friends and so she ditched them to join me. (Ha!) Then we walked around aimlessly talking about our future and what's in store for us. She chose poly as her first chioce, I really want to go poly too, but truth is I'm really not bold enough. I still think too much about my future, going to poly would be like a final step towards my education and I don't think I'm ready for that just yet.
We left school cause we were both dying and had no mood to study. Initially wanted to head home for shut eye but got dragged to crash CJ instead.
In the fifteen mintues we were there, we got accused of being a distraction, scolded, counselled and wolf-whistled (J2 guys, not the faculty) and then sent out. Personally I feel CJ has a great culture and all, but their system is very much similiar to a secondary school. Walking around the campus I just didn't sense the same freedom that Nanyang provided, it was as if every other teacher didn't trust you. And this isn't an INSULT, this is a COMMENT. It's not as if I'm marking CJ down or anything, after all it IS my second chioce.
So then we went to IKEA and had some lunch. Then we made the stupid mistake of going to Queensway shopping centre to try and look for couture sporting apparel. It was so extremely tak glam, far worse than far east plaza, the atmosphere was just naseauting. And we saw fat CHIJ girls (I thought those didn't exist?). Then we left immediately not before contracting horrible migranes.
And even in our half-dead; semi-conscious state we flagged a cab down to Novena Square. Cindy's right, I'm the kind of person the advertising industry embraces. Everytime I saw the word "SALE" in the window I would squeal and run in that direction (Mind you it takes alot to make me run, even my PE teacher has trouble). But in the end we left bagless and shoeless.
Then I came back and napped, woke up and my mom said:
"Don't sleep so much in the afternoon you won't be able to sleep later."
This time I didn't risk it.

I am Rubber and you are Glue...

2005-03-06T12:02:00.000+08:00

I woke up to a unfamiliar feeling this morning. It just sat there quietly in the pit of my stomach, it was the usual hungry growl for food, or the sharp pain in my calves neither was it the usual pins and needles sensation I get from sleeping on my side.

I was a deep abyss of numbness that spread from my gut to the rest of my chest. I tried to recall what I had dreamt about, but it was useless, it felt like I was trying to grasp water, it spilled over and leaked out from inbetween my fingers, trickled down my knuckles and seeped into the ground. I was left with only a small pool of wet in the middle of my palm, it was warm and saline, like freshly shed tears. As I stared into it, my own two cold eyes stared back. I tried to smile, but it felt foreign, my mouth looked distorted and warped. I stopped.

I walked over to my bathroom sink and drenched my face with tap water. It didn't surprise me that the cold water felt thick and stale against my face, or that my flannel felt like sandpaper. I stood over the sink staring at my reflection, and for a moment I thought I saw it smirk at me.

And then it spoke, it's voice was soft and distant and so I strained to listen, " You couldn't possibly have believed that after shrouding yourself for so many years that there would be absolutely no consequences did you?" My heart fell like a rock, clumsy and spiralling to the bottom of my stomach, strangely enough none of the disppointment and anguish surfaced, I still stood there emotionless.

And that was when I realised that I could no longer love.

"I am rubber and you are glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you..."

P.S. I miss Mich and Ju... Where are you guys? Why won't you pick up your phone?

Dear Little Girl.

2005-03-05T23:06:00.000+08:00

Dear little girl,
I'd always remember you as the girl with the perfect teeth who hardly smiled. With your creaseless pinafore and your hair worn back without a strand out of place. You strutted around with your nose up towards the sky, your head in the clouds. Nothing was good enough for you, not grades, not friends, not guys. You only wanted the best, just like you've always had, just like what you're parents have always given you.
But yet you never openly snubbed anyone. You were still the socialite you were born to be, walking down the corridors handing out ice-cold handshakes and falsetto smiles. You won them over with you witty humour and consistent thirst for cheap thrills. You were always surrounded yet you walked alone.
It probably never occured to you that you were alone. After all, love was never a priority on your list, crushes and relationships were always some juvenile plaything that you never really pondered on for too long.
Noone ever told you upface that you were beautiful, or you probably never took them seriously. So were you surprised when you were scouted by a modelling agency? Probably not, maybe only slightly amused, after all, you did refuse them, all three times. Like everything else, it seemed too beneath you.
Your life was an image of perfection. There was absolutely no way a relationship could possibly benefit you. You built yourself a prison and made yourself as untouchable and unreachable as possible. Like an ice-queen, you refused to allow yourself to be won over by any guy, soon they all gave up and went away.
Now you walk alone, little girl. You still strut around in your expensive heels and rich perfume, looking down at the world. I wonder how long it'll take you to realise something's missing, I wonder how much longer you can stare at couples holding hands in the streets and not tingle with jealousy. Do you cry when you're alone? Do you show emotion when you think noone's looking? After all you wouldn't want anyone to see you as anything less than perfect.
You poor little rich girl you.

My Hideaway from the World

2005-03-05T01:47:00.000+08:00

*Yawn* Spent a couple of hours just perfecting this template. But it was worth it. For those who don't know this background image is really as actual photo rendered by your truly in adobe.
This place is actually a part of my roof top that I can access by climbing out of my window and weaving my through a couple of rusty old water pipes. I've spent countless sleepless nights out there with a discman and a candle just staring up at the huge emptiness that it the night sky. I can't describe the powerful rush of emotions I get just by sitting there, it feels like I'm on the pinnacle of this world, brushing against a thin membrane which seperates us from the rest of the universe. It makes me believe that there is a higher being and it's truly humbling. When I'm depressed or uninspired it serves to remind me that what I'm currently experiencing is now where even near what the world still has to offer me, and I'm motivated to get up and move on.

I hope this layout can give you even the tiniest glimpse of the world through my eyes, because there is truly no way to pour all my thoughts into tiny black symbols and try to make you comprehend. This my friends, is my secret hideaway, from the world.

The Ever-moving Castle

2005-03-03T23:20:00.000+08:00

Baby I love you and I'll never let you go; But if I have to boy I think that you should know, All the love we made, Can never be erased. And I promise you that you will never be replaced. I love you; Yes I do, I'll be with you as long as you want me to, Until the end of time...

He planted her a prairie full of beautiful flowers, It was vast and stretched from one ends of the earth to the other. With every spring breeze brought a symphony of smells, from the husky deep scent of sandalwood, to the light tangy frangrance of chrysanthemum. It seduced her senses and she fell in love with him.

Her presence plucked him out from his narcissistic existance. For once he felt like someone else besides him was real, when she was sad, he felt sad, when she was happy he was overjoyed. It was almost as if all this while he was missing something in his life, her.

An adaption from Howl's Moving Castle.

I think I've fallen in love with that movie, I've seen it twice and I think I'm going back for a third time. It's just so beautifully crafted.

And I'm dragging my sick ass back to help drama tomorrow. Well not really, more of Elaine. I'm dragging myself there for Elaine. Drama can go screw itself for all I care.

Death of a Salesman

2005-03-02T23:44:00.000+08:00

"This air. This air hangs heavy, it smells of rusted steel, it smells of burnt flesh. This air is thick with sulphur, it's choked with ammonia and tainted with death. This air hangs over all like a poisonous cloud lulling all who cross it's path into a leathal slumber.
This air, my friends, reeks of the stench of injustice."

I admit. In this battle you have prevailed. May it be a lack of qualities on my part, but personally I feel it's more like a surplus. As the odds continue to stack against me, I'd like to choose to withdraw. There, I said it, I can't take anymore. Call it self-betrayl or lack of motivation, but I did what I could on my part. Okay, maybe as much as my stringent dignity would allow. I know this will hurt, but it's happened before and I'll learn to live with it. I give up.

He's yours.

O,rather than I would it smother, Were I to taste such another; it should be my wishing; That I might die kissing.

The time is slowly ticking away. As the deadline draws nearer, one can only hold her breath. So that she may not sneeze and ruin her entire future.

Beautiful Dreamer Come Back to Me

2005-02-28T23:39:00.000+08:00

It might have something to do with the peanut butter and jelly sandwich that I wolfed down right before I fell asleep, but I had a weird dream last night.

My dream took place in the context of a soccer field. I stood at the edge of the penalty box, a soccer ball nestled quietly under the ball of my right foot. What seperated me from the goal was a horde of guys. Some faces I recognised, some I did not. They stood there, stone-faced, like a troupe of soldiers awaiting command. Their alignment made it such that their torsoes almost intertwined with each other. They stood like a brick wall, blocking out the immense heat from the scrutinizing stadium lights and buzzing enthusiasm from the people who stood in the stands. I retreated back a few steps before I sprinted forward and swang the tip of my right foot towards the balls, my sole scraped the top tufts of the grass and uprooted clumps of dirt from beneath it. The ball flew forward straight towards the goal, ducking under the goalkeeper's armpits and hit the net with an immense impact that spurred the crowd into a rally of cheers.

I stood there motionless for a moment, allowing the satisfaction to sink in. Suddenly one of the players who had formed the human wall walked up towards me. "They're cheering for you because you're a girl," he spat. I was in shock. My bottom lip trembled. Was this not a feat that would bring pride to even an accomplished footballer? Then why is it I was not getting the praise I deserved? Almost instinctively the roaring of the crowd seemed to die down to a pitter-patter of pity. Like in the PGA tours when he hits the ball in only after 4 shots. Their palms met almost reluctantly, the enthusiasm had died. I stared into the faces of the spectators, their features contorted into various forms of boredom. Like a kindergarten teacher applauding a three year old who just handed her a paper full of crayon doodles. I cried, gut-wrenching sobs. I fell to my knees in the middle of the field and cried.

When I woke up I was still sobbing.

My dreams tell me things. Just like the time I dreamt that velvet would be in season, long before Teen Vogue or Style had published their winter issue. Just like the night before when I dreamt of my O-level results. It was uncannily accurate, although I was told in my dream that bonus points had already been taken into consideration.

I'm wonderfully satisfied with my O level results. But I don't think I'll be going to ACJC, I've grown much too attatched to NY after these first three months, even if it means I'll have to take China Studies *shudders*. Thank you Lord.

I'm proud of myself, because no matter what you do, you've got to be proud of yourself. In life there'll always be people who will look up at you in envy, or down in pity, but you'll always have to count on yourself to take pride in what you've accomplished. No trophy or medal can instill a sense of glory and honour in yourself if you do not believe in yourself in the first place. So to all those who have chanced upon this blog. Be proud. No matter what you've got, because it's something you've worked hard to attain, and noone can make you feel lousy about yourself or take that away from you.

Bite your tongue.

2005-02-27T23:05:00.003+08:00

I'm not afraid.

Come what may, I'll figure something out. Just like the time when the bubblegum was stuck in my hair, or when I didn't read the econs assignment and the econs tutor made me answer the question.

Whatever happens, it's God who chose this path for me. And who am I to question or scorn his decision? I just pray for the courage to move on... and keep moving. In spite of the men who speak in devil tongue, the mocking and the scowls that swarm around my flesh. Let me be strong Lord.

Walk it off... Just walk it off...

Vindicated

2005-02-25T20:35:00.000+08:00

Dear you,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry my eyes don't light up with praise and worship everytime you talk to me, I'm sorry I don't attend to your every whim, I'm sorry I don't double up with laughter at your jokes, It's not that I don't get it, I just don't find it funny, and yes, I'm sorry for that too. I'm sorry I didn't rebond my hair, I sorry I'm not stick thin, I'm sorry I don't carry Roxy wallets, or backpacks for that matter, in fact I'm sorry I'm not that percentage of the population infatuated with Australian surf brands when they themselves have never touched a surfboard before in their lives. I'm sorry I use long difficult words you cannot comprehend, I'm sorry I speak instead of whimper. I'm sorry I seem so tempermental, I'm still getting used to the concept that girls aren't suppose to have negative emotions, beaides fear that is. Oh yes, I'm sorry I'm not afraid, I'm sorry I don't shriek at any darting shadow. I'm sorry you don't appreciate my sarcasm and my wit, just like how I'm sorry this entry will probably not make much sense to you.

In short, I'm sorry I'm not even half the girl you want me to be, I don't think I'll ever be. I may be accomplished in many other aspects of life, but I fall short in this catergory and for that, I apologise.

Now screw off.

Much love,
Tammi